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Turnpike on the Bypass

'And now for the travel news we go to our eye in the sky, Nigel Turnpike. How's it looking Nigel?'

'Well Bill, it's a great day for a picnic on the bypass. It's a car park, Bill, a car park.'

'Oh dear, I'm sorry to hear that, Nigel. So what's the problem out there?'

'Well, the water company have half the carriageway dug up with four-way traffic control. That already had the traffic in a two mile square radius down to a crawl, but then a woman in a Chelsea tractor drove into the back of a white van and now there's a fight, an actual fight, taking place in the middle of the road.'

'Good grief! Tell us more, Nigel.'

'Well, the woman and the van driver exchanged words and, as it turns out, the woman's husband was in the Porsche stuck in the jam just a few cars back. He took exception to the van driver shouting at his good lady, jumped out of his car and landed a punch on the van driver's jaw.'

'My word!'

'Absolutely, Bill. But that's not all. The guy in the Alfa Romeo behind the Porsche got annoyed because the Porsche driver wasn't moving his car, so he got out and rugby tackled the Porsche driver to the ground.'


'Yup. Then the woman stamped on his face with what I suspect might have been a three inch heel.'


'You said it, Bill. Those things are lethal weapons. Van Driver tried to pull her off, but that further enraged her husband who just happened to have a cricket bat in his Porsche.'


'I know! You couldn't make this stuff up! He took a swing at Van Driver and I think it's fair to call it a six. Van Driver is now a crumpled heap on the hard shoulder. Alfa Romeo man is staggering around bleeding from his cheek, and now the husband and wife are fighting.'

'You're not serious?'

'Well, actually I am, Bill. I think he saw the damage to the front of the Chelsea tractor and saw red, or maybe shattered carbon-fibre, two broken lightsets and a punctured off-side front tyre.'

'Well, that kind of thing can hurt a man.'

'It sure can, Bill. Right in the pocket.'

'So the traffic isn't moving anywhere?'

'Not an inch, Bill. The traffic has stopped on the other side of the bypass to watch the spectacle unfold. Seriously Bill, you could sell tickets. I think this thing could run and run.'

'What about the police?'

'Well, Bill, they were on their way but got caught up in their own little drama with an HGV. HGV man now has one of the officers in a headlock, and the other officer is trying to release him with his baton.'


'Wow's the word, Bill. HGV man is six foot four and probably pushing eighteen stone. The long arm of the law is proving inadequate to the task. Oh, wait! Ahh, now a second HGV man is on the scene. Which side is he going to take? Oh wow! Well, I guess truckers stick together. That's going to take some cleaning up!'

'It sounds as though things aren't going to improve on the bypass any time soon, Nigel.'

'You got that right. This is going to take hours to sort out, Bill.'

'Well, that was Nigel Turnpike, our eye in the sky, over the bypass. And now the sport.'


© 2012 Kay Lawrence.


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