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The New Year's Resolution

The room falls quiet. Every face turns to me, mouths hanging open, over-tweezed eyebrows arched in stunned disbelief. Mags snorts and takes a delicate sip of her wine, then looks back at me, smirking and shaking her head.

'You'll never do it,' she says, with a snigger.

I pull myself up to my full five feet eight inches and tilt my chin. 'I will.'

She shakes her head. 'No way. You could never give it up!'

Ooh, she makes me so mad sometimes, with her oh-so perfect glossy hair and immaculate make-up. She has never made a New Year's Resolution in her life, ever. Never had to. Bloody perfect Miss Stapleton. Not an ounce of spare fat, never a split end, every garment carefully chosen, only ever one glass of wine on a night out, except at New Year when she indulges herself with two. Well, I'll show her.

'I most certainly can, and I will!' I insist.

'Mags is right, Jill,' says Chloe, like she has a clue. 'You won't last a day.' I ignore her. Chav.

'She won't even last an hour!' guffaws Fran, spraying pastry crumbs in a five feet radius. Fat Fran. So fat she has to book two seats for her annual trip to Lanzarote. I'm not taking any lip from someone who eats all the pies, and the pizza, and the cheesecake, and probably the bloody chef if he stands still too long.

'Thank you for your confidence in me, but I think you may be surprised,' I sniff, haughtily.

'You're struggling already!' preens Mags. Utter cow.

'I'm most certainly not,' I snap, refilling my glass and taking a hefty swig from it.

They all laugh, the whole room. These people call themselves friends. Fine lot they are! I should have known better than to rely on them for support. The only ones not laughing are Sam and Giselle who are so busy snogging each other they haven't even realised it's the new year yet. Honestly, get a room!

'Anyone else making a resolution, or is it just me?' I ask sweetly. Seriously, it's not like I'm the only person in the room with a vice!

Micky sighs and looks at his cigarette packet. 'I suppose I should,' he says, and crumples them up. Everybody cheers. No laughs for Micky, despite the fact that he quits every year and has always restarted by noon on the second.

'I suppose I ought to renew my gym membership,' sighs Beth, looking at her washboard stomach. 'I must have gained a good two pounds over Christmas.' This is just an excuse to get everybody to admire her wonderful figure. Tart!

'I'm going to sign up for a college course,' chirps Chloe. This is hardly a resolution. She signs up for college courses every six months. It's the only chance she's got of meeting a man.

And so it goes on, each one being so terribly worthy, and everyone cheering and offering gushing praise and support. I bite my tongue and roll my eyes and try to keep out of it. Mags is watching me knowingly.

'It was too big an ask, Jilly. You should try something easier,' she says, with her perfect head on one side.

I can feel tears prickling my eyes. 'I can do it.'

She smiles. 'Anyway, you wouldn't be the Jill we all love if you really did manage to give up being a bitch.'


© 2012 Kay Lawrence.

line wendy
13th Jan 2012

That's about the only resolution I'd manage to keep-until somebody wound me up!!


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