All was well in my world; the kettle was gurgling, a pristine packet of choccy bickies nestled in my hand and the opening theme of 'Loose Women' wafted in from the sitting room where a comfortable chair awaited my ample bottom.
I chuckled contentedly, making room on the coffee table for the cup. A cup! So quaint. This new species really was too much! I had readily agreed to take the placement, immersing myself in their little world, living as they did, in order to better understand them.
Of course, Cho had been beside himself. He had even offered to fight me for it, but orders were orders. Life couldn't be better. Choccy bickies! What a strange product. The maid's enthusiasm for them suggested that they were quite a delicacy and I intended to investigate them thoroughly.
On the television the 'Loose Women' were shrieking with laughter about something that eluded me. I hadn't yet worked out why they were loose, or why no-one had tightened them. They actually seemed rather proud of the fact. So much to learn. Such a bizarre species!
And every so often the 'Loose Women' went away and were replaced by a seemingly endless array of other characters, some sobbing, some shouting, some singing, all impugning me to purchase something.
I had only been sent down with two and a half million dollars, but I had decided that if I was to understand this species, I should experience as much of their world as possible, so since my arrival I had purchased everything.
The ten metre jacuzzi swimming pool had caused the delivery men and the concierge a certain degree of difficulty, but once I had paid for a crane to lift it to the top floor of my apartment block, things seemed to go smoothly enough. At least, until the ceiling collapsed on the penthouse suite owned by the rather excitable gentleman who seemed to have his communication device permanently attached to his ear.
Luckily I had also purchased 'insurance' which arrived in the form of an insubstantial piece of paper, but turned out to be surprisingly valuable. There are years of careful study in that alone. The excitable gentleman had stopped hammering on my door after the first three weeks, which was a relief, if I'm honest. Some of these creatures have rather irritating characteristics.
We seemed to be approaching a particular season in their calendar which they refer to as Christmas. Apparently it was essential that one felled a tree, brought it back to ones home, and decorated it. I was not entirely sure I had fully grasped the more subtle concepts beneath this act, so I left it to the maid and her son. The finished product had been strangely pleasing, though I'm at a loss to explain why.
The 'Loose Women' were back, slapping the table they sit around and shouting over each other. I looked down at my hand, the odd appendage used by the species to pick things up, and realised that choccy bickies make a mess if allowed to exceed a given temperature. In order to minimise damage, I threw the remains in my mouth and licked my fingers.
And that was when it happened. After a brief moment of the most staggering bliss, my natural form exploded out of the human shell and safety mechanisms kicked in. Before I could pick up a second bickie I had been transported back to the mother ship, where I was subjected to a withering series of personal and, frankly, undignified tests.
In conclusion, it would seem that these humans are more advanced than we realised. I have to advise that until a better understanding of the 'choccy bickie' is reached, we treat them and their planet with utmost caution.
© 2011 Kay Lawrence.
Leave a Comment